Posted by M. Matthews
I realize I haven’t kept up with Moses’ blog very well. In reality, there hasn’t been much to post. Moses is out there, somewhere, in parts unknown. Oliver pulls farther away daily. He spends all his time at Moses’ house now.
So I find myself the same as before I was contacted; alone without a son yet forever changed. I realize Oliver feels he is not my son. That may be true. But, the fact does not make my pain easier to handle. He looks like what I envisioned Oliver would as an adult. But more and more he sees me as the woman who found him in the desert, not his mother, not even a mother figure.
At first, we spent time together. But from the beginning, I felt his need to pull away. There is anger deep within that burns. He is in counseling but that just seems to fan the flames of his rage. Oliver does not seem resentful towards either Moses or me. It is directed more towards himself and the universe.
We haven’t seen one another in a week. The last thing he said to me was that he thought he might be insane. This is only a moment of clarity granted to distract him from madness.
Clarity, a word Moses used quite often in his posts.